By Mike Hazard
My attempt to have a good time with a Mukurino girl left me with a bad taste in the mouth and a sickness that nearly cost me my life.I t was after high school and in those days people stayed at home for kindu two years after results so parents can decide what to do with you.
I had a mukurino friend called ifurahimu (Ibrahim) wa Nyina wa Johana ,they were a big family of about 13 children.You see wakurinos are the people who took that bible verse “Go fill the world “ literally and family planning doesn’t exist in their dictionaries at all…he had a younger sister called penina who looked like moon,the stars ,Jupiter and Saturn..her small body looked beautiful even when concealed in those long Akurino dresses .Her chest harbored small guava breasts standing at 12.00 sharp without dropping any minute…she was always in a turban and her long “mucous “ hairs would stick at the sides..I had always imagined her without a turban,her hair falling freely at her shoulders like Naomi campbell,her standing infront of me in a bikini as took photos of her.
During my visits kwa akina Ibrahim ,I had tried to throw seeds at her sister by commenting things like “leo uko mushaino sana “ or “hee uko smart”..Penina would shyly look away and go the kitchen to bring me tea.Penina was those saved girls ,saved piu piu.I knew she was a virgin because I had never seen any man standing with her on the road side.
She was waiting for the church leaders to dream about the kind of man she would marry and obviously I knew I was not the one.Wise men said where there is a will there is a way,I continued my attempt to serenade this Ngurino girl and me myself being a “ngurinu njugi “(wise mukurino) apart from the fact that I was lacking only a turban I knew it was not wise to jump before the drum.I was using the excuse of visiting Johana so I can see her sister.
That sato I met her on her way to the shops, I stopped her and told her I will escort her,I took her hand and she jumped like someone who has been bitten by a king’angi ..”weeshe niwamenya tutiagiriirwo kuhutia arume ma!(you know we are not supposed to touch men)..I rolled my eyes like a matapaka and removed a ka laugh and said “aii penina..nii ndi ndakiria mundu nawe “ (aii penina I have never eaten someone )..she shyly drew an incomplete map of Africa as I pulled her towards me and planted her a smooth peck on her cheek ..I could hear her body tense and her heart racing like a formula 1 car..her nipples became hard and I knew Thiga has circumcised..She pushed me and said she is getting late..I told her I will come to her home she should not go to church..satan was smiling at me and telling me to remember that verse that says “whoever will mislead one of these will be put a grinding stone and thrown to the Indian ocean “ I blushed satan and told him to go go to hell even God knew I was a good boy.
On that Sunday it was so dry and hot, my grandmother asked me why I was not going to church, I lied I was not feeling well.She told me she is going to church and that I should give animals food.11.00 am I closed doors at home and went to peninah’s home ,I did i myself like iam calling Iburahimu at the gate to hear who will respond..”Iburahimuuu!! iburahimu!! “ I called ..three times and no one answered ..I told satan you wre right and you have won I will not mislead that sheep..I called again just incase “Iburahimuuu !! Iburahimuu!! .. “ehhh !!” a voice answered and I turned to satan and showed him the middle finger and told him to go fuck himself” I went and met peninah ,,true to her word she did not go to church..i looked at the heavens and told God He will forgive me..she came and greeted me..she was not wearing any head to toe clothes today except for a head scarf and a spaghetti top.
I entered the home and asked her where iburahimu was..she said he is at church ..”ii mami wanyu?(and your mother?”) she said also in church ..ohh I was releaved..she came and shyly sat near me at the sofa..she brought a cup of ndufia and I was sipping as I serenaded her and telling her how beautiful she was..all this time she was drawing a map of mexico..south Asia..Asia minor and Africa..she looked at me and said “Ngai ma niwamenya niturehia “(do you know we are sinning )I told her God will understand ,by now I had touched the girl until nipples were hard as rock..her eyes were red and she was…..
All over sudden I heard outside “Agendi aya mwikuuuu!!” followed by a simultaneous sound of Akurino drums and song and dance broke loose at the homestead …weuh!!! Peninah told me she forgot it was their turn to hold Ngwataniro after church..I asked her what to do now?..by now her mother was calling her ,she was busy covering herslf ..she told me to enter a kentank that was at the sitting room filled half way with water…I diligently entered the mtungi as I felt cold water.she covered it and opened the door.
To cut the long story short..I spent almost 8 hours in that freezing water as Ngurino beat drums in the sitting room like lack of importance praying that someone will not open the mtungi and see satan himself coming out….the preumonia I catched was out of this world ..I removed there after all went to sleep ..limping like injured hyena..satan gave me that look of who’s laughing now.. haha God will forgive me..